cOmE to LeArN tHinGs WhEn YoUr OldEr!

So now that im vastly approaching the on-coming number of 24 I have come to realize a few things in my little short so far (sometimes feels like forever) life. I feel that rounding that turn of the early transition into twenties held alot that would throw me off my feet only to make me get up stronger. Going from 19 to 20 is not really a big deal, but can seem like it. But going from 23 to 24 only puts me that much closer to 30 and then my eyes open wide like a deer in the headlights, or a person in a canoe that just sighted a waterfall ahead and rapidly begin flailing their arms and yelling, No! Go Back, Go Back! hahaha but once you free fall over that waterfall, you find yourself slightly scaithed at times, but overall not in too bad of shape. Maybe even a little wiser. All and all when I think of everything, I come to realize im ready to ditch the number 23 and put on my year 24 gear. Full steam ahead im ready for whatever may come my way.

In my 23 years so far I have come to realize (not without pain and broken hearts along the way) that you really can't trust a whole lot of people. Everyone is bound to hurt you in one way or another at some point along the way in life, but the difference between those we continue to keep around us and those we decide to put out of our lives and try to nurse the wound they left, is that no matter what, in your heart you know you can go to them with a heart full of pain and eyes full of tears, and they will embrace you fully, even if it was they who caused the hurt. You come to learn who you want standing by your side when life gets you down. And you sadley come to learn who will quickly abandon you as soon as situations get "rough". It's those who stay by your side no matter how deep you fall into despair or how angry you yell at them that you will always need.

I have had a lot of let downs in my life by family and friends. But one thing I do know is that I have also grown closer to the people who matter. Its always going to be a constant struggle, some may fall away along the way, not really ready to forge in the same direction, and others will join up on the path. I just hope that in my 23 years I have become wise enough to know the poison some hide in their hearts from those who's hearts are full of pure intent. I know I will continue to be hurt, but I am comforted knowing that those who have come to be "polished in the bumpy grinds of life" along by my side will be there. And I for them.

Casey's parable of the Tree of Life!

So I got to talk to Casey on Mothers Day and it was so great! I really enjoyed our talk with eachother and it only proved more and more how excited I am to get to sit and talk with him in person again. Less than 5 months left! Yay! In our conversation we discussed how we were doing in reading the book of mormom (Casey and I are both reading it from cover to cover before he returns home) we began to discuss Nephi and I was telling him how much I really enjoy the Tree of Life parable, and Casey shared this story from his mission with me:

Casey's real life episode of the Tree of Life Parable

Casey was walking home one night with his companion in Vacaville, Ca, it was dark and a little later in the evening. They came to a section of the sidewalk that runs parallel to the river on one side and a hill on the other. Being narrow or dangerous it had a metal handrail along the side for walkers to hold onto. Casey grabbed a hold then turned to his companion and said, "hey look! its the iron rod", then they continued on the path when Casey realized it was becoming super foggy along the way and then he heard laughter, he turned and looked up to where the laughter was coming from and found that up on the hill across the river was a bar with a balcony outside. Scattered upon that balcony were many drunken people laughing really loud when one said while pointing down "look! its the mormons" pointing at Casey and his companion. Casey and his companion continued on and walked home.

When Casey told this to me I couldn't believe it, he actually experienced his own parable related to the scriptures, but not only was it people laughing or the iron rod, or the fog it was all of it. The entire story. I thought it was amazing and was so glad he told it to me.

4 in a row! What is my luck?

Seriously this past weekend was a horrible weekend as far as movies! I had two netflix movies that came in the mail (the day those come, it's like a mini christmas, I get all giddy and excited) well I hate to say that all this giddiness and excitement was a big ol' waste! Before I even watched my 2 netflix, I rented 2 from redbox. (I know pretty pathetic). So I watched my netflix ones and they were so freakin stupid. So "luckily" I had my two redbox movies to rely on. Yeah right! These were just as freakin stupid. Grrrrr. So here are the movies and the ratings I decided to give them.
Movie 1: The Romantics - Made it through all of this one and kept waiting for it to get good. It was a movie loaded with well known actors and actresses, so I automatically thought, this has gotta be good. Well I spent most the movie with my mouth hanging open, thinking, "WHAT?" and "Oh my gosh he's so stupid", "there all so messed up" and yadi yadi. So I give this movie a C-. Not so so horrible, but not at all very good.

Movie 2: The Kids are Alright - First of all I mistook this DVD for another I had been wanting to see about a dad who tries to get all his kids together for a holiday or something and they all have there own thing going on and such, but it looked really good. Well I thought the movie I rented was this until I got it and read its description. Not the same movie! But thought, "hey! I will check it out". I pop it in when in the very first scene it shows two teenager kids doing lines, then beating eachother up. Mom asks "whats this rated" I reply, "PG-13". The movie continues and it shows a lesbian love scene when I dropped my mouth and skipped the scene ahead thinking what the junk, they sure allow more crap into these PG-13 movies than they used to. We decide if it shows one more bad scene, were done. So it continues along and BAM! another bad scene. I was up out of my seat so fast and flung that DVD out spurting in an outrage "its PG-13, how the crap do they have this stuff in it?" I begin to put the dvd in its case to seal and hop it in the mail, when I notice right there on the front, there it is, that dag nabbin R. I give this movie an F. Now im sure it may have some important plot and maybe even turns good, but I was in no way going to give it a shot to try and earn a better grade.

Movie 3: Skyline - OMG what else do I say. I think I repeated that phrase in my head over 500 times, that, and WTF! This movie was so freaking wierd. And in the end... jeez, I can't even bring myself to talk about it more, it was so wierd. It was intense in parts, but the fact that it had no real known actors in it should have been my first clue. When the one minor actor who I recognized from a movie 10+ years ago died in the beginning, should have been my second clue. But it took me clear to the end with a dumbfound look on my face and in my mind to realize that movie was just lame. I rate it a C. It was intense and kept me guessing, but oh my heck it was so freaking wierd.

Movie 4: Country Strong - After the complete dissapointment from movie number 3 (might I just add not all 4 were viewed in one night, im not that lame) I decided I needed a feel good movie to clear my mind. I figure what better way than to watch a movie with country music, Tim McGraw and Gwyeneth Paltrow. Yeah well I was wrong. I have never watched a more depressing movie, okay maybe Gettysburg was more depressing or Pearl Harbor, but come on the character never pulls it together, she keeps falling and failing until the end she makes a good come back then kills herself. What kind of movie is this. How am I supposed to watch her struggle so hard then make a comeback just to end it. I was thouroughly kinda depressed about it. The movie wasn't all that bad, but really I was super shocked with the killer ending haha. I dunno, just wan't my cup of tea. I rate this movie a Solid C+

Well that sums up my movie ratings. And my super long ranting Blog Post on that. But I just had to vent this, and what better way than to my random blog. :)

CASEY!

Elder Casey Dean Olsen

So as I get home from work yesterday I find a folded up letter on the table that says "Beckers" instantly I get excited and think yay a letter from Casey. I unfold this letter and find three pages I repeat, 3, three, tres, T.H.R.E.E pages. (usually im lucky to get a half a page with a fun drawing of a hick cowboy at the bottom, which I still LOVE) But I got three pages! * * * * (My little happy dance).

I just want to say that I adore my brother and am so proud of him for choosing to serve a mission. I know without a doubt that his heart is in his mission 100% and it makes me so pleased for him. He is a blessing and has always been such a shoulder for me to lean on, a stable rock in my life of constant whirlwinds. And a best friend! I love him so much and can't wait for him to be home in 5 and 1/2 months so I can give him the biggest hug in history. His testimony is a light of hope to my ever flickering one these days. And he blesses my life more than he could ever know.

This letter, the three pager, was so amazing, and literally brought tears of happiness and peace to my eyes. I will forever cherish these three pages. (As well as my binder full of all his other letters) but this one, is close to my heart.

<3

Feeling the sting of a former love isn't all that fun.

A STORY OF MANY YEARS! A LOVE AND A FRIENSHIP. TO ALL THINGS, WE MUST FIND AN END, BECAUSE THAT IS WHERE WE FIND NEW BEGINNINGS. (I have no idea why I am divulging this story, maybe I feel the need to spill over some juicy secrets) Hehe

So I have, (scratch that) had, this friend. Lets just say it all began years ago in a little class in junior high. Ok to be more specific it was Mrs. R's spanish class in Junior High. There was a boy..... little did I know that this boy would soon become my very reason for looking cute everyday in spanish class, and my secret joy of "long period" class day. He sat across from me and was oh so cute, I developed a crush. This crush soon led into a friendship which included exchanging secret goofy faces across class while Mrs. R repeatedly yelled at us all in spanish to try and engrave the meaning of the words into our brains. (ok she didn't really yell, she was a cool teacher). later throughout the year we began to pick eachother for assignment "buddies" and would work on our projects for most of the class together. They were blissful times to say the least. He was oh so cute and charming. I even baked him cookies.... The year ended as did my crush :( Although to be honest a little bit of it always lingered in my heart. Next year was high school, different friends, different classes, and different us. To say the least, "we" no longer were.



Fast forward 7 years... I am now living in Chicago and through the great power of facebook am once again connected to my "former love". We begin to chat and catch up on good times. ( I even revealed my super crush that I had on him to which his response was that he had no idea) We share great messages which then turn into phone calls and texts. 30 minute phone calls became 4 hour phone calls. Texts from how are you doing today? became whats up babe? I miss you. I guess you could say we re-entered the relm of "crush" but now we were 4 years older and wiser (pshhh) and were ready for a deeper commitment than a friendship bracelet or any ol' plate of cookies. We became confidents in eachother, the more we talked to eachother the more we revealed to eachother of our past and former loves. We became the greatest thing any relationship could ever have. We became best friends. Our very days were consumed with speaking to eachother via texts while at work, phone calls at night as I lay under the summer stars in Vermont (oh yeah did I fail to mention that I was now living in Vermont for the summer, our relationship was across many miles now). Our love became deep for eachother and we trusted eachother and relied on eachother, we were there for eachother. We had a relationship that others would be envious of.

Then it happened....He made the call saying that he was coming to see me in Chicago for the weekend and it hit me...This is real! This is serious. And I panicked. Ive seen in displayed in many movies before my time, for one reason or another, one or both people in a relationship panic. Julia Roberts did it all the time in The Runaway Bride (great movie by the way). So it's real right? Yes! Very real! I was head over heels, in panic. "Im too young for this", "I dont want this right now", "am I really in love with him" many thoughts plagued my mind. So I did what any normal girl in a fear of moving forward situation would do.. I lied to him.



That lie would change us forever. Not only would it mean the slow anialation of our relationship but the greatest loss, the loss of my best and closest friend. We eventually began to talk less and less. Our texts and calls were empty with no excitment or emotion in them. Talking daily became every other day or so, and this eventually became less and less until I was thinking to myself "wow I haven't spoken to him at all in over 2 months". It was odd, but it was right. I wasn't ready for this, and most importantly I wasn't "in love, love with him, which I think I knew all along, but didn't realize until things became serious. If I was in real love with him, I would have no fears. I would have anxiously awaited him at the airport. But the love I had for him was that of my best friend, my confident, my shoulder, my rock. It was over, it was all over. In the midst of all our "breakage" with no formal closure, he began to date another girl. This stung me to my core. Ok so I didn't love him, but really? I mean come on... OUCH! In the end, we both did some damage and broke eachothers hearts. It wasn't the loss of losing a love that hurt me so much, it was the loss of my best friend.

Fast forward another 2 years....He is now married to this girl he began to date while in our tail end (she has the same name as me) ironic or what? He is .... Happy. And that makes me happy. Im so glad for them, they are adorable together. And even though our friendship may be forever lost, I do not regret the frienship we had.

And now the unthinkable has happend, he decided to cut me from his life....(well at least his facebook life :) and thats okay, I didn't think it would hurt so bad, but it kinda did. But now I know that its what we need to fully move forward. And I wish him nothing but the greatest things in this life. I just secretly curse facebook sometimes. :)

Love you forever in some portion of my heart

B